Saturday, May 5, 2012

A Jar of Spiders

In Diablo 3 there is an ability that allows you to throw a jar of spiders. It has many names, but most players refer to it simply as Jar of Spiders.

Some people are excited about this ability. "It's fun to throw a jar of spiders," they say. It's certainly novel, I'll give you that. But I am very worried about the implications here.  Throwing jars of spiders is not just novel; the Jar of Spiders concept taps into the deep evolutionary psychology of spider avoidance and multiplies it times a hundred.  We've never considered the ramifications of implementing spider-based weaponry, spider frag grenades if you will. And, heretofore unexplored lethality aside, the understatement baked into the phrase "Jar of Spiders" also lends itself well to memedom.

"Not as clumsy or random as a jar of spiders, an elegant weapon for a more civilized age..."

"If a problem can't be solved by throwing a jar of spiders at it, it isn't worth solving."

"I love the smell of a jar of spiders in the morning."

I see Jar of Spiders going big. Beyond memes, though there are sure to be a great many. Far beyond anything a simple game development company could have imagined. People are more afraid of spiders than of death, after all.

So it starts out small. A bank is robbed, the perp brandishing nothing more than a jar of spiders. Police forces move to utilize CSRS (Compartmentalized Spider Release Systems) as a means of crowd control. Jar of Spider control laws become a nationally charged issue. North Korea develops and successfully launches the first ICSM (Inter-continental Spider Missile).

It just keeps escalating.  Panicked and backed into a corner, humanity loses its cool and Global Spider War breaks out. No one is safe. Have you seen those jumping spiders? Think you're safe standing up on that chair? They're like honey badgers, they don't give a shit. They'll jump right up there.

Before you know it, it's all over, a spider apocalpyse. Humans die out and are replaced by jars of spiders. I mean, replaced by spiders. That live in jar cities. Because that's all that's left. Jars, and spiders.

Just so some damn CM could get his jollies breaking barrels. Do you see what you've done, Blizzard? Do you see what you've unleashed?